Solitude (solitudestarer) wrote,
Solitude
solitudestarer

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You need a heart? Go ahead . Take mine. Take everything I have.

You ever felt that everything with that someone your with is right? Absolutely, perfectly, right. Isn't it hard to just wake up from that dream state? I know it is for me.

I'm not stupid nor naive as most people may think. First of all, I know the feeling of being in love is as good as getting money on payday. You feel free. Unstoppable. Nothing can turn your day down because, you know or at least feel that at that moment, your thinking about someone else and that feeling of knowing their thinking about you too just makes your heart burst into little gummi worm puzzle pieces.

I also know that it doesen't last forever. Their's always a calming point, especially when you've gotten used to the person. It only returns if you leave that person's side for a noticeable time or something occurs that makes them come to mind in a missing fashion. But for the most part, its there burning inside you until you part with this person. Whether its temporary or permanent, that fire will always be there. It can be as small as a lighter flame or as huge as a flame thrower. As long as their's some sort of bond there, it will always burn.

This is how I feel right now. You can call me naive or lighthearted all you want but its true. I love this girl. Right now I feel like I'm choking. My chest hurts when I think about how far she is away from me. I miss everything about her. The reassuring smile. The giggle she gives whenever I speak sarcasm. The way her hands always found a way to cling to some part of my body, never leaving my side. The feeling of knowing that she wants me and no one else but me. The way her eyes looked at me when we were together in public and of course when we were alone...If I think about it too much, it makes me want to tear up.

I know, I know. We've only been dating for 5 months. Talking for 7. Any normal person, I guess would see that I should sit back and calm down a bit. But if you only knew how happy she makes me. It feels so nice to know that I didn't have to go through the struggle of trying to make her parents like me. Thats a point right there. I am from the south after all. They accept me for who I am and its been quite a while since someone over the age of 40 has done that. I'm almost tempted to call them family but I won't count my eggs before they hatch....yet....

Lovesick puppy I am. Absence does make the heart grow fonder though, of that I'm sure. Its hard to do anything else right now except sit in my room and think or read a book. I'll lay on my bed or recliner and close my eyes but I eventually dream of her or some weird dream related to home. Doesn't help reading a book since my current one is a romance. Vampire romance mind you but romance none the less. And when I do read, I have to stop and catch my breath so my heart doesn't carry my mind away with daydreams. I would go out and drive but my gas is low and I'm broke til Friday. *INSERT HEAVY SIGH HERE*

I need something that doesn't remind me of her or the happiness and companionship I had just a week ago. Otherwise I'm going to rip out my heart and put it in the freezer so I can chill out. No, not literally but damn I wish I could.

Maybe I'll look back at this entry in a few years and think I was foolish at the time. Maybe not. As torturous as this feeling is, I really wouldn't have it any other way. Its a pain I'm thankful for. Nobody wants to be lonely. I can at least say I have someone. Some people can't even say that.

*sigh* I think I'll try burying myself in some video games before I decide to pick up my book and start suffering again. Pain is pleasure. Pleasure is pain. End.
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